[fic] the sun will rise pt 2
Apr. 30th, 2011 08:16 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
leonhart_17Title: The Sun Will Rise
Chapter: 2 of 3
Rating: PG-PG-13
Pairing: Willow/Tara (also background Spike/Buffy, Xander/Anya)
Disclaimer: Don't own the show, the characters, or the song the title is taken from.
Notes: This one was written from a request on FF.net.
Summary: When Giles leaves at the end of 'Tabula Rasa', Willow goes with him, desperate to change, but leaving Tara, Buffy, and the others behind to live without her... *AU season 6*
The days where she cast had somehow become harder than the days she didn't. At some point in the last three months since she'd arrived in England starting and then having to stop had become exponentially worse than not casting at all. They'd been varying her schedule to increase the pressure, see how long she could take it. Willow knew it wasn't to torment her, though, but to expand her control.
Still, sweat was sliding down her temples and the back of her neck as she reached as deep into the earth as she dared. She was tracing the energy consumed by the root system of the coven's oldest oak tree, following the winding path far below the surface of the soil. Exploring it wasn't anywhere near as hard as knowing that she could control the energy. She could turn the tree into anything she could dream up. She could even use the energy to affect something on the other side of the world. It was all connected and it was all within her abilities, but she had to stop. She couldn't just bend the tree to her whims, just as she couldn't erase her friend's memories whenever she screwed up.
The training had been rigorous, but it was nothing compared to the guilt she heaped on herself. Things were getting better, though. Slowly, but surely.
Taking a deep breath, she withdrew herself from the earth. Pushing herself shakily to her feet, she patted the rough bark softly. There was a heavy bottle of water tucked into the winding roots and she picked it up, unscrewing the cap and taking a long drink as she watched the sun tease the horizon, slowly descending.
She was alone on the hillside, but she knew the house was full of energy and noise, and she wanted to enjoy the peaceful quiet for another few minutes. She knew the sun was still up at home, and she tried to imagine what the sky looked like there. She missed her friends every single day, the absence from their lives growing sharper with every rotation of the day. Xander called every other day, and Buffy would phone Giles once a week or so, but she hadn't heard Tara's voice since their last conversation, the blonde witch keeping her promise not to call.
Sighing morosely, Willow took another drink of her water and started back toward the big farmhouse. Her room was on one end, so she was able to bypass the bustling dining room for the moment, wanting to take a shower before she joined the others. She was drawn up short when she flipped her light-switch to reveal the box on her bed.
One glance at the handwriting and she knew who'd sent it, the postmark only confirming it. She started to wave her hand and summon the phone, the spell popping into her head without prompting, but she gritted her teeth and forced it down. The phone was in Giles' room, but she collected it, dialing as she crossed the hall again.
Buffy answered, the Slayer sounding tired. "Did I wake you up?" Willow asked, ripping the tape off the box.
"Yes," Buffy groaned as she rolled over.
"It's the middle of the afternoon there, Buff. Rough night?" the witch said sympathetically as she sifted through the carton with both hands, phone pinned between her chin and shoulder.
"You could say that," the blonde said, voice hoarse. She'd been with Spike until sunrise and then come home to collapse into bed, intending to sleep for the rest of the day in an attempt to forget about the shit-storm her life had become. It was no easier to be there, her entire life a never-ending façade of coping. "How you doing, Will?" Her friend's struggle was a handy distraction from her own.
"Pretty good," Willow conceded. "Every day's a little different, but it's getting better." There were a few of her books in the box, an envelope from Xander, as well as another from Dawn. Still no contact from Tara. She lifted the books out and was surprised to find a framed picture underneath, wrapped carefully in an old t-shirt. "What's this?"
"I don't know. What is it?" Buffy asked, covering her eyes with the back of her arm as she stretched. Spike had been rough with her the night before and she could feel it in her back.
The witch smiled as she pulled the picture out. It wasn't the one that had caught Tara's eye of them dancing, but was one of the pair of them at the beach. They were posed together, Willow's arm around Tara's waist from behind while they smiled at the camera. In the background she could see Xander and Anya in the surf.
"I got your package," Willow said, snapping out of her longing gaze. Not seeing Tara was one of the hardest parts of being in England, and the picture had made that reminder sting sharply. "The picture…" Her voice trailed off, fingers trembling on the frame.
"I thought you'd like it," Buffy said tiredly. "I know you miss her."
"Of course I miss her. I miss you and Xander too!"
"Fine, I'll send you a picture of the rest of us next time," Buffy said, yawning. "I saw this one and figured you'd like it. Tara won't miss it. There's a bunch of pictures up in there now."
Willow blinked, surprised to hear her lover's name after so long where she wouldn't even let herself think it. "You took this from her dorm? Why were you on campus?"
"I wasn't," Buffy said, groaning as she sat up. "She lives here, remember?"
Green eyes widened and she could see visions of Tara in their room, dozens of them flashing across her mind's eye. "She didn't leave?" she asked breathlessly. It made her feel strangely better to think that Tara hadn't left home, that she still had the support of their friends, even if she'd bolted across the ocean herself.
"Nope. I think she was planning on it, but since you were gone we decided she'd stay. It's not like it can get awkward if you two run into each other in the hall since you're not actually in this country," Buffy pointed out. "Just give us a heads up when you're coming home and we'll figure something out, okay?"
"Yeah, I mean, that's great. I'm glad she stayed," Willow said quickly.
"So are we," Buffy said as she pushed herself to her feet. "Damn it," she cursed under her breath as the surveyed the newest night's worth of bruises from Spike in the mirror.
"What's wrong? Are you okay?" Willow asked, frowning at the tone in her friend's voice.
The blonde lifted her shirt to look at her midriff, finding a few old bruises scattered across her tanned skin as well as what was most definitely a hickey on her stomach. "Oh, you've got to be kidding me!" she breathed, some traitorous part of her mind remembering the feel of Spike's blunt human teeth scraping down her body, his mouth lingering just above her navel to leave a mark on her. He knew she'd stake him if he ever came close to biting her, so he seemed to get pleasure from marking her in other ways.
"Buffy?" Willow's voice snapped her back to the present and she dropped her shirt. "Are you…?"
"I'm okay," the Slayer said quickly. "Just got bruises in places I didn't expect."
"Good thing it's not bikini season?" Willow offered, wishing that Buffy didn't sound so depressed still. She wanted to beg her friend to talk to her, but knew just as well that the blonde still blamed her, and rightly so, for dragging her out of heaven.
"Definitely," Buffy agreed, thinking of the likely possibility that there were finger-shaped bruises on her thighs. "January was doing me a favor."
"Speaking of January, did you get your presents?" Willow asked, hoping the subject change might cheer her up.
Buffy had gotten the box from England, birthday gifts from Willow and Giles, but she hadn't opened them yet, thoroughly distracted by trying to put her life back to some semblance of normal. Her birthday had come and gone without too much of a fuss, thankfully.
"Yeah, I got 'em. Thanks Will. And thank Giles for me too, okay?"
"Of course. Happy Birthday. I'm sorry I didn't get to call on the day. That's wasn't a good day here," Willow apologized, genuinely regretful. The day of Buffy's birthday had been one of her infrequent lapses, pushing too far and becoming the screaming black-eyed creature she feared and loathed. After she'd come down, she'd been in meditation for hours and she'd missed her chance to call home.
"There's more good days than bad, though, aren't there?" Buffy asked, voice soft. She still had moments where she was furious at the witch for her part in the spell that had dragged her back, but Willow was her best friend and another part of her knew that they had only been trying to help her.
Willow sighed, thinking of the months since she'd started, the progress she'd made since her arrival. "Yeah, there are."
"Good. We need you here."
The witch laughed. "Is Anya's wedding planning going crazy yet?"
"You wouldn't believe it!" Buffy said earnestly. "You should have seen the mythic butting of heads when Xander said that he wanted to push the wedding back so that you could be best man."
Willow grimaced. She could already imagine the former demon's reaction. "She already hates me! Now this? I'm never going to be able to show my face in Sunnydale again!"
"If you're not back here in six months, even just for a visit, I think Anya's going to be coming for you," the Slayer warned her. "And Dawnie might kill me."
"Why would she kill you?" Willow asked with a laugh. "You're not why I'm gone. I'm why I'm gone."
"Yeah, well, Dawn has kind of been blaming me for the moping and making you feel bad, and leave and stuff," Buffy said. "But I'm the big sister. I'm going to be the person she blames for everything." She sighed heavily and Willow could feel her friend's exhaustion and frustration over the line. "That's one of the less fun things about being the parental figure."
"Buffy…"
"Don't worry about it, Will. If it wasn't this she'd be finding something else to bitch about," she said. "She's just being sixteen. You remember being that age."
The witch sighed regretfully. "I'm still sorry, Buff. There's a lot of stuff there that's my fault, but you shouldn't have to be taking the heat for it. If you want, I'll talk to Dawnie, if you think that she'll talk to me…" Willow offered.
Buffy sighed, wandering across the hall to start the shower in the bathroom. "Don't worry about it, Will. Just focus on getting home, okay?" She swallowed hard. "We all miss you." Even with everything they'd been through lately, she missed her best friend more than she could say. She couldn't believe what was becoming of her life, but telling Willow about it would make it real, irrevocable, and she couldn't risk losing her by telling the truth about how she was spending her nights - not staking the undead but being screwed by one.
"Yeah, I will. And I miss you too, Buffy. I'll call soon," the redhead promised. "And thank you for the picture. And the books and everything. I appreciate it."
"Not a problem, Will. I'll talk to you soon," Buffy said, hanging up as steam started to cloud out around the curtain. The heat made her grimace as it hit a few sore spots, but she knew they'd heal in a day or so. Shedding her clothes, she slipped under the pelting flow. She lingered in the shower, the only privacy she ever got in between patrols and everyone's never-ending concern for her mental state. It was all overwhelming. There was no peace to be found outside of the half hour she spent in the bathroom every day.
She took her time getting dressed, grateful to hear the silence in the rest of the house. The phone rang again suddenly and she grumbled as she answered it. "Summers' residence."
"It's me again," Willow said quickly. "I know stuff is still weird with us, but there's something wrong. I can tell!" Buffy was quiet and the witch continued, babbling nervously. "You're my best friend! I love you! Please talk to me! Whatever it is, talk to me, Buffy! There's a good chance that it's my fault and I can apologize again!"
"This isn't your fault," Buffy interjected morosely.
"What is it?" Willow asked, taking a seat on her bed. She was missing dinner, had barely made it to the dining room before she'd turned around to call Buffy again, unable to stand the tension and secrets between them anymore. "Buff, whatever it is, I'm here for you." There was no response and she continued hesitantly. "Have you talked to anybody about whatever it is? Xander? Or Dawn?"
The Slayer sighed heavily, dropping to sit cross-legged on the carpet of her bedroom and slumping back against her bed. "They don't know anything's wrong. Tara suspects something, I think, but she's too much of a sweetheart to confront me about it."
"Oh, well if you'd rather talk to her, I know she'll listen," Willow agreed quickly, desperate to be supportive. "She's a great listener!"
Buffy laughed, covering her eyes with one hand. "Will, it's okay. You don't have to sell me on how great your girlfriend is. I get it!"
Willow stiffened at the word girlfriend, holding her breath unconsciously. "Yeah," she croaked hoarsely, throat dry. "Except she's not my girlfriend anymore."
In America, Buffy scoffed. "Please! She told me about your little 'don't wait for me' thing. I think you're going to be in for a surprise whenever you finally get home, Will. If you want Tara gone it's going to take a bit more than noble intentions."
"I don't want her gone!" Willow protested, feeling her cheeks grow red. "I love her!"
"And she loves you, no matter what you did to her," Buffy answered her. "It's just the rest of it that you guys have to figure out."
"The rest of it? You mean trust, and honesty, and self-control?" the witch asked incredulously. "Just that stuff?"
"Yep," Buffy said promptly, smiling to herself. "But the first step is you finishing school in England and coming home," she reminded her friend.
Willow sighed, realizing suddenly that her purpose in calling had been handily buried in conversation about herself. "Hey!" she exclaimed suddenly. "We're supposed to be talking about you!"
Buffy's smile slipped and she swallowed, absently stroking the area where Spike's mark lingered on her skin. "I don't think I can say it out loud, Will," she confessed finally, after the stretched silence became unbearable. "That makes it real, makes me someone… well, not someone I like…"
Willow frowned, sighing sympathetically. "No matter what it is, Buffy, I love you."
"Love you too, Willow," Buffy responded hoarsely.
"I get that you can't tell me, though," Willow said sadly. "Just, if you can't say it, maybe you could write me a letter?" she suggested. "Or if you'd rather not tell anyone yet, that's fine too, I guess…"
"I'm sleeping with Spike," Buffy interjected, voice low.
Willow's jaw dropped, mind racing. "Sleeping with? You mean, like, sleeping with, like the naked kind of together? Like, in bed, and naked, and together?"
"Sometimes we get all the clothes off. It's more rare that we actually make it to a bed," Buffy said, eyes closed. She'd put it out there, there was nothing for it but to see it through.
"Buffy," Willow sighed, trying to wrap her head around this. Of all the things she'd expected from Buffy's depression, this hadn't even been on the list. "Okay, well, I mean…"
"I know it's wrong, Will. You don't have to think of some nice way to say it," Buffy interrupted, knowing that her friend's babble on this subject was likely to be legendary. "It's wrong and I hate myself for going to him…"
"But some part of you needs it," Willow said knowingly, understanding exactly what her friend was talking about. "I get it, Buffy. Really, I do!" She sighed, trying to think. "I can even get him, I think. I mean, Angel was hotter, if you ask me, but Spike, he's been helping us for a while now, and he really seems to care about you…"
"He can hurt me," Buffy said, voice rough. "He says it's not the chip, he can't hurt anyone else, just me. Will, what's happening to me? Who am I now? Why am I letting this happen to me? Why do I let him do those things to me?"
The frown was starting to feel permanent on her face and the redhead felt tears of sympathy prick her eyes. "Maybe you should have come to England with me," she joked weakly, not sure what to say about any of this. They were quite the pair, the Slayer and the witch, both with their own addictions.
"Maybe I would have if you'd actually told us you were going," Buffy said, letting the honesty just spill out of her. "You hate me now, don't you?" she asked morosely, not expecting that her best friend could feel anything but contempt for her when she couldn't muster much more for herself than loathing. Her life felt like hell, and Spike was the devil, dragging her deeper into the darkness. So why couldn't she stop herself from wanting him? Even as she sat and miserably confessed the truth to her best friend, she burned for his touch, for the dangerous feel of his lips on her skin.
"Of course I don't hate you," Willow said emphatically. "Buffy, I understand. I completely understand, okay? I might not get why Spike, of all people, not if he can hurt you, but hey, I prefer women," she said, trying to joke weakly. "Well, you know, the one woman… Buff, I do understand."
Buffy didn't speak, feeling tears roll down her cheeks as she leaned her head back against the mattress of her bed. She didn't know if they were tears of pain or tears of relief, but just the simple fact that she was still capable of tears at all was more than she'd expected.
Willow could hear the sniffles and she closed her eyes, wishing that she could see her friend. "Buffy, I'm so sorry I'm not there. I'm so sorry."
"It's not your fault," Buffy said, gasping around her tears. "Not everything is your fault. I'm perfectly capable of screwing up my life on my own."
"You're my best friend and I should be there for you!" Willow protested. "Not in another country…"
"You've got your own stuff you're going through, Willow," Buffy reminded her. "You had to go. We all get that."
"But now I know what you're going through. I can't just not think about it," Willow stated. "You're my best friend, Buffy. No matter what."
"Well, now we can help each other, right? Don't they say that misery loves company?" Buffy asked, wiping her face with her free hand.
"Buffy!" the redhead chided her weakly. "I guess you're right. Will you call me, if things are bad?"
The Slayer laughed, the sound ringing with bitterness. "Sure, we can talk every night. My phone bill can definitely handle that."
"If that's what you need, then do it," Willow agreed immediately. "We can get phone cards or something. And if you can't call me, then talk to Xander, or Dawn, or Tara."
"I can't admit this to any of them!" Buffy protested. "And I can't burden you with it either, Will. You've got your own problems to deal with. I can handle this," she said, trying to sound confident but only managing to reach resigned.
"Yeah, and I'm doing great over here too," Willow agreed sarcastically. "We need each other, Buffy. We've only made it this far together. If we can't stick together through all this we're going to fail."
Buffy swallowed hard, sitting up. "You're right." Her voice choked up and she curled her knees into her chest. "Thank you, Willow." She heard the door open downstairs, and she groaned. "Someone's home. Can I call you soon?"
"Of course," the witch agreed, feeling her stomach protesting her skipping dinner. "I've got to get something to eat. Take care of yourself, okay Buffy?"
The Slayer sighed, pushing herself to her feet. "You too."
"We'll talk soon," Willow assured her. "And I know you don't want to tell anybody else what's going on, but Tara won't judge. And she'll listen. She can help you. You'll need someone there to talk to."
"I'll think about it. I trust Tara, I just don't know if I can stand seeing her reaction," Buffy said. "The only way I could tell you was because I didn't have to see the look on your face."
"Buffy… I know it can't be easy, but Tara will surprise you," Willow said, feeling a surge of love for both her best friend and her lover. "She surprised me every single day we were together."
"You need to stop it with the past tense stuff," Buffy reminded her. "You guys will work it out. She still loves you. Not talking to you is killing her, but she knows you need to get your head on straight and she's willing to wait."
Willow sighed heavily, shaking her head. "I thought someone was home…"
"Fine, but not acknowledging it doesn't mean I'm not right," Buffy said, almost smug about it. Tara's love for Willow was a refreshingly stable part of her daily home life. The blonde witch fit into their lives at Revello Drive as easily as if she'd always been there and they were all grateful that she'd been convinced to stay. "But I do have to go," she said regretfully.
"We'll talk soon," Willow promised. "Bye, Buffy."
"Later." She clicked off the handset and dropped it on her bed as she concentrated on pasting on her coping expression. Once she felt more confident that one look at her face wouldn't give her away, she started downstairs, letting her feet hit the steps harder than was strictly necessary, so that the noise announced her presence.
Tara gave her a soft smile from the dining room, in the middle of setting the table for lunch. "I thought you'd be sleeping. You got home late," she observed, her tone masking whether she actually knew anything about where Buffy had been, but making it clear that she knew that she hadn't been where she'd claimed to be.
"Your girlfriend woke me up," Buffy told her, lifting her eyebrows even as she yawned. "I sent her a box of books and a picture of you two. She called to say thank you."
Tara sent her a look, shaking her head. "Buffy… You shouldn't have done that. She wants space and I'm trying to give it to her."
"At least you didn't insist that she's not your girlfriend," Buffy mused, grimacing as Tara flinched. "She doesn't mean it. She thinks she's helping you if she lets you go. I tried to tell her…"
"If it's less of a distraction for her, then g-good," Tara said unconvincingly. Her hands were fidgeting with the napkins. "How is she?" she asked hesitantly.
Buffy smiled slowly, eyes watching the witch. "She's lonely, but she said there's more good days than bad."
"She said she's lonely?" Tara asked, frowning.
"Not out loud, but I know her very well," Buffy said. "She misses you."
"I can't call her," Tara cut her off. "She asked for space to get better."
The Slayer shrugged, snagging a chip from the bowl Tara had put out in the middle of the table. "I say that hearing from you could only help her," she reasoned as she crunched on her chip. "What's with the set up anyway? No one else is home."
"Xander and Anya are coming over," Tara answered her. The Slayer just gave her a confused look and the witch sighed sympathetically. "It's Saturday," she reminded her friend gently. "We're taking Dawn out after lunch… to look for a dress… for the dance," she added when Buffy still looked lost.
"We, like me and you, we?" Buffy asked, brow furrowing.
Tara sighed, nodding. "She asked you to go a few days ago," she confirmed. "I'll talk to Anya about going…"
"No, I mean, I'll go! I just…forgot," Buffy said, shoulders slumping. "Sorry Tara. You won't…don't tell Dawn I forgot?" she requested.
"Of course not," Tara said immediately. "It's our secret."
Buffy flinched back from that word, Willow's statement about Tara's empathy springing to mind. "Willow says you're a good listener," she said slowly. Tara gave her a concerned look, but didn't speak, waiting on Buffy to elaborate in her own time. "I think I came back wrong." She didn't look up from the surface of the table as Tara took the seat next to her. "Spike, he can hurt me." Her head lifted slowly, eyes heavy and haunted. "Please Tara. I have to know what's wrong with me. Can you check? I would have asked Will, but…"
"No, it's…I understand," Tara said quickly. "He can hurt you?" Buffy nodded miserably. "How…how long?"
"Too long," Buffy said emphatically. "Can you please check the spell?"
"Of course." The witch nodded. "It will take me a little while, though. I'm not as familiar with the spell as Willow is…"
"That's fine. I just need to know," Buffy agreed, appearing relieved already. "There's something else…" She started to speak, but shut up quickly as the front door opened.
Tara didn't ask, giving the others a genuine smile. "Hey. Lunch will be on the table in two minutes."
"No hurry," Xander said easily, stealing a chip from the bowl and taking the seat across from Buffy. "What have you two lovely ladies been up to today?" he asked, apparently in a good mood. It had all been pretty up and down for all of them since Willow had left.
Wanting to keep it that way, Buffy spoke up. "I talked to Will."
"How is she?" he asked eagerly. He got updates every few days from Giles, and talked to Willow herself more than any of the others had since her departure, but he was still excited for any news.
"She sounds better," Buffy said, glancing up at Tara as the witch moved to gather the rest of their lunch from the kitchen. The Slayer related the basics of her conversation with the absent Scooby to the rest of them, though she did leave out the second half of their talk.
"Good," Anya said matter-of-factly as Buffy finished her account, the ex-demon nodding. The others just sent confused glances around the table, not expecting empathy from Anya. "The sooner she gets it out of her system and comes home, the sooner we can get married," she explained plainly. "And Tara won't have to be sad anymore."
The blonde witch could feel herself blushing as the rest of the eyes in the room turned to her. Her first instinct was to protest, but she knew that it would ring false to all of them. Without Willow she was sad. It was that simple. But they all were sorry about the witch's absence. And, of course, Anya was the one to lay it out for scrutiny. It was blunt, but they all knew that she meant it in her own awkward but caring way.
"So Dawn's going to the dance?" Buffy interjected quickly, changing the subject to spare Tara any more embarrassment. "Does she have a date?"
"I t-think she's just g-going with a group of f-friends," Tara said, not meeting anyone's eyes, but poking at a baby carrot on her plate with the tines of her fork and watching it roll.
Buffy nodded, sighing in relief. After the mess at Halloween she'd been trying to keep better track of her sister, but with the fugue state she'd been living in she couldn't be sure she hadn't missed anything. "And the dance itself is at the Bronze, right?"
"You're not going to crash it are you?" Xander asked, laughing as he pointed his own fork at her accusingly. "Because we're not the cool kids anymore, Buff."
"We were never the cool kids," she reminded him, smirking across the table to meet his grin. "Remember how we lived in the library and spent extracurricular time with the librarian?"
The reminder of their absent mentor dragged them all back to the present, feeling like a wave of cold water dampening their moods. There was a hole left behind in all of them, a gap saved only for Willow and Giles. They could all feel their friends' absences starting to drag them back down, the same cycle they'd been struggling against for months.
"We managed to make it work for us," Xander said hoarsely, not even his normally incorrigible joking abilities unaffected by Willow's absence. His arm curled around Anya's shoulders and she gave the others surveying looks.
"Xander is right! With the exception of Buffy, you all managed to get beautiful women to fall in love with you, in spite of the nerds you were in high school!" she offered cheerfully. "And since Buffy has given us no indication that she wants a woman to love her, I'd say that you're not doing too bad at all!" She finished her pronouncement with a decisive nod and none of them could help smiling weakly.
Buffy even laughed, shaking her head. "No, no girls for me," she said, glancing sideways at where Tara was blushing beside her. The witch returned the glance and Buffy felt her smile weaken. Only one person knew who was sleeping with, and Will would never tell on her, but she still felt dirty under her friends' eyes. "On second thought, that could be an improvement," she murmured, sending a twitter of laughter around the table.
"I think you should try it out!" Xander offered, his good mood starting to return as they joked around. "I'll make it my personal mission to find you a girlfriend!" he offered. "We could get Will in on it too! She could find you a nice English girl! And we'd continue my long-standing tradition of being the only guy in our age bracket."
Anya swatted his chest. "Other people's lesbian girlfriends are not for you!" she chided glaring.
"Yeah!" Buffy agreed, grinning unconsciously. "Tara's off limits!"
They realized how ridiculous they were being simultaneously, bursting into another wave of laughter. They were looking around the table at the others as they settled down, able to see how good it felt in the faces of their friends. It had been a long few months since Buffy's return and Willow's departure, but this felt almost normal and it was clear how much they'd all missed it.
Dawn entered, giving her smiling elders a hopeful expression as she joined them at the table. "What's this about? Everyone seems happy…"
"Buffy's considering becoming a lesbian," Anya answered promptly, grinning cheerfully.
"What?" Dawn questioned with a laugh, giving her sister a look even as the Slayer shook her head.
"That's a bit out of context," Buffy said quickly, still smiling as she took a sip of her water. "We were just kidding around, Dawnie."
The teen just looked relieved to see a happy expression on her friends' faces and she didn't push for an explanation. "You're still going to be able to come shopping, aren't you?" she asked, unable to hide the hopeful note in her voice.
Buffy's eyes flickered to Tara for a heartbeat, but she nodded. "Yeah, of course. I'm all yours," she said, part of her surprised to realize that her good mood was genuine. She really did want to spend time with her sister, with her friends. Her eyes met Xander's and she could see the same reflected in his face. Things had been so bad, for so long, each of them trying to cope on their own and failing. Willow's words about needing each other came back to her suddenly, and she felt tears prick and burn behind her eyes as he nodded silently to her from across the table.
"Good," Dawn said softly, drawing her sister's gaze. "We've missed you around here."
Buffy swallowed the tears back, knowing that she wasn't better, not yet, but maybe she'd made a step towards it. "Me too," she answered, voice hoarse under the repressed emotion.
She'd felt all alone in her own life, solitary even as she was surrounded by friends who loved her. But they'd always been there, never wavering in their friendship. She'd just cut herself off from feeling their love. It was easier to blame them for her problems than accept that they'd all made mistakes but still loved each other.
They avoided the shops Dawn had pilfered from, but still managed to find a dress that they could afford and have fun in the process. Anya had to return to the store after lunch, making money infinitely more appealing to her than spending it, but Xander had stuck with them and he was carrying the bags as they came through the front door. The girls were laughing as he told them about some prank that had been played on his jobsite, only to collide with his back as he stopped walking just inside the door.
"What are you doing here?" he asked, suddenly surly.
Buffy didn't have to look to know who he was talking to, and her spine tensed. "Let me handle this," she said, stepping around him slowly. The bleach-blond vampire was smirking as their eyes met and she sighed. "Why are you here, Spike?" she asked, feeling her good mood draining away suddenly. "And at four in the afternoon?" she added pointedly with a glance at the bright sunlight outside.
"Is there another time that would be better for you, Slayer?" Spike asked, teasing her right in front of the others.
"Tell me what you have to tell me and get out," she ordered, glaring at him sternly, eyes widening in a clear warning.
"Fine," he said, pouting now that she wasn't going to play along. "Those three nerdy types been harassing you, word is they're planning something big."
Buffy rolled her eyes. "That's it? You mean bigger than peeking at naked women at the spa? If that's all you've got you can go."
Spike growled, crossing his arms across his chest as Tara and Dawn moved inside on either side of Buffy and Xander. "They're coming for you now," he advised, angry suddenly. "They reckon you've screwed up too much for them lately. They're looking to send a demon your way. Is that big enough for you?" he demanded, eyes flickering sideways toward Dawn.
Buffy's annoyance wilted slightly. "Did you happen to find out what kind of demon?"
"Not exactly," he admitted.
"Great!" Xander chimed in. "News flash, Buffy! Some creep is coming after you! I hope you're not terribly surprised," he said, sarcasm obvious. "Thanks so much for that staggering insight, Spike!"
Spike took a brash step toward him, intercepted by Buffy before he got close. Xander matched the step, and Buffy was holding them apart, a hand on either man's chest. "Spike, leave," she said sternly.
"Daylight," he answered smugly, pointing toward the door.
"You're here. You had to have had cover," she pointed out. "Find your blanket and go."
He let his extended arm rest on her shoulder, Buffy immediately shrugging it off. He didn't back down, stepping closer to her even as her hands pushed him away. "There are other covers I could hide under," he prompted, voice a low rumble. "Not like I haven't before…"
Buffy felt her patience with the situation snap. It was one thing to tease her when they were alone, but this, in front of her family? Her hands were fists in the collar of his long leather coat before he knew that she'd moved and she spun and shoved him out the front door, Xander barely getting out of the way.
They could all hear him cursing outside, his reflexes saving him as he managed to jerk his jacket up to cover his head as he bolted for protective shade. Buffy realized she was breathing hard, tears already in her eyes as she stared into the floor. She squeezed her eyes closed and felt the tears break down her cheeks. They all knew now. There was no way they couldn't.
Then Dawn's arms were folding around her and she let herself crumble into her sister's hold. She was sobbing suddenly, the pair of them collapsing to the floor as she told them everything through great, gasping breaths. Tears were streaming down her face, the stopper on her emotions finally gone as everything poured out through her eyes and sobbed, barely understandable words. She couldn't lift her face from Dawn's shoulder, couldn't see the disappointment and disgust she was expecting on their faces.
Then Tara was touching her hair, the blonde on her knees next to them, and Xander rested his hand on her back, rubbing soothingly. "Buffy," Tara whispered. "This is what Willow told you to tell us, isn't it?" Buffy nodded miserably, still not lifting her head.
"Will knew about this?" Xander demanded, tone sharp and short. "For how long?"
"Xander!" Dawn chided him, glaring over Buffy's head buried in her chest. "It's okay, Buffy. He won't hurt you again."
"Because I'm going to kill him," Xander promised.
"No," Buffy whimpered, lifting her face to shake her head at him.
Xander stood up, exasperated. "You won't look us in the face when we find out you've been boning the evil undead, but you'll beg me not to kill him?" he demanded, temper at the forefront.
"I wanted to tell you!" Buffy gasped, looking up at him as she sat up out of Dawn's arms. "I wanted to stop!"
"There's a simple solution if that's what you want!" Xander snapped. "Give me a stake and I'll do it myself!"
"No!" Buffy yelped, unable to help herself.
Xander froze, accusation in his eyes, but Dawn was the one who spoke up, still glaring at the carpenter. "Do you love him?" she asked her sister hesitantly, none of them sure they wanted to know.
Buffy took a moment before she answered, meeting each of their gazes with teary blue eyes. "No - I don't know. It's not love… But I do…feel something for him." Her breathing was shuddery and she swallowed hard, both hands wiping her sticky face. "Please, Xander…"
He was obviously still furious and frustrated, but he hesitated, eyes lingering on Buffy. They could all see his expression soften in sympathy at the sight of his friend's misery. They'd all known that Buffy had been withdrawn and depressed, but none of them had imagined how far down she'd spiraled. Now it was all out in the open, and she had to face whatever came next - rejection or acceptance.
Her hopes of getting the second crumbled as Xander started pacing, shaking his head. "I can't do this now. I've got to…I need some air." He was gone before anyone could stop him, the click of the door seeming to echo in the silence left behind.
Buffy curled her legs up, tears falling faster again as she leaned her head against her knees. "Today was actually good, you know? Now it's all ruined," she said, hiccupping helplessly.
"He'll come around," Dawn said, pulling her sister back into her arms. "It's going to be okay, Buffy," she murmured soothingly, letting her sister cling to her. Her eyes met Tara's over Buffy's head, gratified to find no trace of judgment in her friend's expression, merely concern. "What should we do?" she wondered softly. "Willow?"
Tara blinked, eyes wide. "I c-can't - I said I wouldn't c-call."
"She'll want to know about this," Dawn pointed out. Tara didn't speak, and the teen sighed. "I'll call her, then." Her eyes rolled. "Even though I think that whole thing with you and her not talking is ridiculous," she added.
"Agreed," Buffy chimed in hoarsely, still sniffling back tears.
"I'll keep that in mind," Tara said to placate them, leaning down to look the Slayer in the face. "Are you okay?"
The blonde nodded, drawing in a deep breath to steady herself. "I think so." She patted Dawn's arm where it was curled across her shoulders and her sister let her sit up. "I'll just get some water, go out tonight and kill something, and I'll be fine," she said, trying to any little bit of her normal confidence.
If the look on Tara's face was any indication, she wasn't succeeding.
"I'll be alright," she said slowly. "Everyone knows now. So there's no reason to hide anymore." She swallowed, her voice hoarse. "And you guys can help me stay away from him…"
Dawn exchanged glances with Tara. "Is that likely to be a problem?" she asked hesitantly.
Buffy didn't answer for a long moment, shrugging finally. "He…I've tried to stop this. I just…he's got some kind of hold on me." She looked up to meet their eyes, her gaze lingering on Tara's face. "He says we're both creatures of darkness…"
Tara knew what she was saying, sighing. "You're not," she disagreed flatly. "He's wrong about this." Buffy's expression didn't change, and she sighed. "I'll check on the spell, though."
Buffy nodded gratefully. "And could you maybe do one more thing for me?" she asked. Tara gave her a reassuring smile and they all started standing up. "Could you redo the un-invitation spell on the house? I don't want him to be able to surprise us here anymore."
"It'll be done by dark," Tara promised, hands brushing down her long skirt.
The Slayer let out a breath of relief, feeling her tears drying cool and sticky on her face. Her friends knew the truth about her now, about who she was, what she'd been doing. And they were still her friends. Xander would need time to come around, but he wouldn't abandon her, not after everything they'd been through. Now she just had to keep herself from backsliding into the vampire's arms, an idea that she feared would prove more difficult than she could manage. Fortunately she didn't have to do it on her own anymore.
Chapter: 2 of 3
Rating: PG-PG-13
Pairing: Willow/Tara (also background Spike/Buffy, Xander/Anya)
Disclaimer: Don't own the show, the characters, or the song the title is taken from.
Notes: This one was written from a request on FF.net.
Summary: When Giles leaves at the end of 'Tabula Rasa', Willow goes with him, desperate to change, but leaving Tara, Buffy, and the others behind to live without her... *AU season 6*
The days where she cast had somehow become harder than the days she didn't. At some point in the last three months since she'd arrived in England starting and then having to stop had become exponentially worse than not casting at all. They'd been varying her schedule to increase the pressure, see how long she could take it. Willow knew it wasn't to torment her, though, but to expand her control.
Still, sweat was sliding down her temples and the back of her neck as she reached as deep into the earth as she dared. She was tracing the energy consumed by the root system of the coven's oldest oak tree, following the winding path far below the surface of the soil. Exploring it wasn't anywhere near as hard as knowing that she could control the energy. She could turn the tree into anything she could dream up. She could even use the energy to affect something on the other side of the world. It was all connected and it was all within her abilities, but she had to stop. She couldn't just bend the tree to her whims, just as she couldn't erase her friend's memories whenever she screwed up.
The training had been rigorous, but it was nothing compared to the guilt she heaped on herself. Things were getting better, though. Slowly, but surely.
Taking a deep breath, she withdrew herself from the earth. Pushing herself shakily to her feet, she patted the rough bark softly. There was a heavy bottle of water tucked into the winding roots and she picked it up, unscrewing the cap and taking a long drink as she watched the sun tease the horizon, slowly descending.
She was alone on the hillside, but she knew the house was full of energy and noise, and she wanted to enjoy the peaceful quiet for another few minutes. She knew the sun was still up at home, and she tried to imagine what the sky looked like there. She missed her friends every single day, the absence from their lives growing sharper with every rotation of the day. Xander called every other day, and Buffy would phone Giles once a week or so, but she hadn't heard Tara's voice since their last conversation, the blonde witch keeping her promise not to call.
Sighing morosely, Willow took another drink of her water and started back toward the big farmhouse. Her room was on one end, so she was able to bypass the bustling dining room for the moment, wanting to take a shower before she joined the others. She was drawn up short when she flipped her light-switch to reveal the box on her bed.
One glance at the handwriting and she knew who'd sent it, the postmark only confirming it. She started to wave her hand and summon the phone, the spell popping into her head without prompting, but she gritted her teeth and forced it down. The phone was in Giles' room, but she collected it, dialing as she crossed the hall again.
Buffy answered, the Slayer sounding tired. "Did I wake you up?" Willow asked, ripping the tape off the box.
"Yes," Buffy groaned as she rolled over.
"It's the middle of the afternoon there, Buff. Rough night?" the witch said sympathetically as she sifted through the carton with both hands, phone pinned between her chin and shoulder.
"You could say that," the blonde said, voice hoarse. She'd been with Spike until sunrise and then come home to collapse into bed, intending to sleep for the rest of the day in an attempt to forget about the shit-storm her life had become. It was no easier to be there, her entire life a never-ending façade of coping. "How you doing, Will?" Her friend's struggle was a handy distraction from her own.
"Pretty good," Willow conceded. "Every day's a little different, but it's getting better." There were a few of her books in the box, an envelope from Xander, as well as another from Dawn. Still no contact from Tara. She lifted the books out and was surprised to find a framed picture underneath, wrapped carefully in an old t-shirt. "What's this?"
"I don't know. What is it?" Buffy asked, covering her eyes with the back of her arm as she stretched. Spike had been rough with her the night before and she could feel it in her back.
The witch smiled as she pulled the picture out. It wasn't the one that had caught Tara's eye of them dancing, but was one of the pair of them at the beach. They were posed together, Willow's arm around Tara's waist from behind while they smiled at the camera. In the background she could see Xander and Anya in the surf.
"I got your package," Willow said, snapping out of her longing gaze. Not seeing Tara was one of the hardest parts of being in England, and the picture had made that reminder sting sharply. "The picture…" Her voice trailed off, fingers trembling on the frame.
"I thought you'd like it," Buffy said tiredly. "I know you miss her."
"Of course I miss her. I miss you and Xander too!"
"Fine, I'll send you a picture of the rest of us next time," Buffy said, yawning. "I saw this one and figured you'd like it. Tara won't miss it. There's a bunch of pictures up in there now."
Willow blinked, surprised to hear her lover's name after so long where she wouldn't even let herself think it. "You took this from her dorm? Why were you on campus?"
"I wasn't," Buffy said, groaning as she sat up. "She lives here, remember?"
Green eyes widened and she could see visions of Tara in their room, dozens of them flashing across her mind's eye. "She didn't leave?" she asked breathlessly. It made her feel strangely better to think that Tara hadn't left home, that she still had the support of their friends, even if she'd bolted across the ocean herself.
"Nope. I think she was planning on it, but since you were gone we decided she'd stay. It's not like it can get awkward if you two run into each other in the hall since you're not actually in this country," Buffy pointed out. "Just give us a heads up when you're coming home and we'll figure something out, okay?"
"Yeah, I mean, that's great. I'm glad she stayed," Willow said quickly.
"So are we," Buffy said as she pushed herself to her feet. "Damn it," she cursed under her breath as the surveyed the newest night's worth of bruises from Spike in the mirror.
"What's wrong? Are you okay?" Willow asked, frowning at the tone in her friend's voice.
The blonde lifted her shirt to look at her midriff, finding a few old bruises scattered across her tanned skin as well as what was most definitely a hickey on her stomach. "Oh, you've got to be kidding me!" she breathed, some traitorous part of her mind remembering the feel of Spike's blunt human teeth scraping down her body, his mouth lingering just above her navel to leave a mark on her. He knew she'd stake him if he ever came close to biting her, so he seemed to get pleasure from marking her in other ways.
"Buffy?" Willow's voice snapped her back to the present and she dropped her shirt. "Are you…?"
"I'm okay," the Slayer said quickly. "Just got bruises in places I didn't expect."
"Good thing it's not bikini season?" Willow offered, wishing that Buffy didn't sound so depressed still. She wanted to beg her friend to talk to her, but knew just as well that the blonde still blamed her, and rightly so, for dragging her out of heaven.
"Definitely," Buffy agreed, thinking of the likely possibility that there were finger-shaped bruises on her thighs. "January was doing me a favor."
"Speaking of January, did you get your presents?" Willow asked, hoping the subject change might cheer her up.
Buffy had gotten the box from England, birthday gifts from Willow and Giles, but she hadn't opened them yet, thoroughly distracted by trying to put her life back to some semblance of normal. Her birthday had come and gone without too much of a fuss, thankfully.
"Yeah, I got 'em. Thanks Will. And thank Giles for me too, okay?"
"Of course. Happy Birthday. I'm sorry I didn't get to call on the day. That's wasn't a good day here," Willow apologized, genuinely regretful. The day of Buffy's birthday had been one of her infrequent lapses, pushing too far and becoming the screaming black-eyed creature she feared and loathed. After she'd come down, she'd been in meditation for hours and she'd missed her chance to call home.
"There's more good days than bad, though, aren't there?" Buffy asked, voice soft. She still had moments where she was furious at the witch for her part in the spell that had dragged her back, but Willow was her best friend and another part of her knew that they had only been trying to help her.
Willow sighed, thinking of the months since she'd started, the progress she'd made since her arrival. "Yeah, there are."
"Good. We need you here."
The witch laughed. "Is Anya's wedding planning going crazy yet?"
"You wouldn't believe it!" Buffy said earnestly. "You should have seen the mythic butting of heads when Xander said that he wanted to push the wedding back so that you could be best man."
Willow grimaced. She could already imagine the former demon's reaction. "She already hates me! Now this? I'm never going to be able to show my face in Sunnydale again!"
"If you're not back here in six months, even just for a visit, I think Anya's going to be coming for you," the Slayer warned her. "And Dawnie might kill me."
"Why would she kill you?" Willow asked with a laugh. "You're not why I'm gone. I'm why I'm gone."
"Yeah, well, Dawn has kind of been blaming me for the moping and making you feel bad, and leave and stuff," Buffy said. "But I'm the big sister. I'm going to be the person she blames for everything." She sighed heavily and Willow could feel her friend's exhaustion and frustration over the line. "That's one of the less fun things about being the parental figure."
"Buffy…"
"Don't worry about it, Will. If it wasn't this she'd be finding something else to bitch about," she said. "She's just being sixteen. You remember being that age."
The witch sighed regretfully. "I'm still sorry, Buff. There's a lot of stuff there that's my fault, but you shouldn't have to be taking the heat for it. If you want, I'll talk to Dawnie, if you think that she'll talk to me…" Willow offered.
Buffy sighed, wandering across the hall to start the shower in the bathroom. "Don't worry about it, Will. Just focus on getting home, okay?" She swallowed hard. "We all miss you." Even with everything they'd been through lately, she missed her best friend more than she could say. She couldn't believe what was becoming of her life, but telling Willow about it would make it real, irrevocable, and she couldn't risk losing her by telling the truth about how she was spending her nights - not staking the undead but being screwed by one.
"Yeah, I will. And I miss you too, Buffy. I'll call soon," the redhead promised. "And thank you for the picture. And the books and everything. I appreciate it."
"Not a problem, Will. I'll talk to you soon," Buffy said, hanging up as steam started to cloud out around the curtain. The heat made her grimace as it hit a few sore spots, but she knew they'd heal in a day or so. Shedding her clothes, she slipped under the pelting flow. She lingered in the shower, the only privacy she ever got in between patrols and everyone's never-ending concern for her mental state. It was all overwhelming. There was no peace to be found outside of the half hour she spent in the bathroom every day.
She took her time getting dressed, grateful to hear the silence in the rest of the house. The phone rang again suddenly and she grumbled as she answered it. "Summers' residence."
"It's me again," Willow said quickly. "I know stuff is still weird with us, but there's something wrong. I can tell!" Buffy was quiet and the witch continued, babbling nervously. "You're my best friend! I love you! Please talk to me! Whatever it is, talk to me, Buffy! There's a good chance that it's my fault and I can apologize again!"
"This isn't your fault," Buffy interjected morosely.
"What is it?" Willow asked, taking a seat on her bed. She was missing dinner, had barely made it to the dining room before she'd turned around to call Buffy again, unable to stand the tension and secrets between them anymore. "Buff, whatever it is, I'm here for you." There was no response and she continued hesitantly. "Have you talked to anybody about whatever it is? Xander? Or Dawn?"
The Slayer sighed heavily, dropping to sit cross-legged on the carpet of her bedroom and slumping back against her bed. "They don't know anything's wrong. Tara suspects something, I think, but she's too much of a sweetheart to confront me about it."
"Oh, well if you'd rather talk to her, I know she'll listen," Willow agreed quickly, desperate to be supportive. "She's a great listener!"
Buffy laughed, covering her eyes with one hand. "Will, it's okay. You don't have to sell me on how great your girlfriend is. I get it!"
Willow stiffened at the word girlfriend, holding her breath unconsciously. "Yeah," she croaked hoarsely, throat dry. "Except she's not my girlfriend anymore."
In America, Buffy scoffed. "Please! She told me about your little 'don't wait for me' thing. I think you're going to be in for a surprise whenever you finally get home, Will. If you want Tara gone it's going to take a bit more than noble intentions."
"I don't want her gone!" Willow protested, feeling her cheeks grow red. "I love her!"
"And she loves you, no matter what you did to her," Buffy answered her. "It's just the rest of it that you guys have to figure out."
"The rest of it? You mean trust, and honesty, and self-control?" the witch asked incredulously. "Just that stuff?"
"Yep," Buffy said promptly, smiling to herself. "But the first step is you finishing school in England and coming home," she reminded her friend.
Willow sighed, realizing suddenly that her purpose in calling had been handily buried in conversation about herself. "Hey!" she exclaimed suddenly. "We're supposed to be talking about you!"
Buffy's smile slipped and she swallowed, absently stroking the area where Spike's mark lingered on her skin. "I don't think I can say it out loud, Will," she confessed finally, after the stretched silence became unbearable. "That makes it real, makes me someone… well, not someone I like…"
Willow frowned, sighing sympathetically. "No matter what it is, Buffy, I love you."
"Love you too, Willow," Buffy responded hoarsely.
"I get that you can't tell me, though," Willow said sadly. "Just, if you can't say it, maybe you could write me a letter?" she suggested. "Or if you'd rather not tell anyone yet, that's fine too, I guess…"
"I'm sleeping with Spike," Buffy interjected, voice low.
Willow's jaw dropped, mind racing. "Sleeping with? You mean, like, sleeping with, like the naked kind of together? Like, in bed, and naked, and together?"
"Sometimes we get all the clothes off. It's more rare that we actually make it to a bed," Buffy said, eyes closed. She'd put it out there, there was nothing for it but to see it through.
"Buffy," Willow sighed, trying to wrap her head around this. Of all the things she'd expected from Buffy's depression, this hadn't even been on the list. "Okay, well, I mean…"
"I know it's wrong, Will. You don't have to think of some nice way to say it," Buffy interrupted, knowing that her friend's babble on this subject was likely to be legendary. "It's wrong and I hate myself for going to him…"
"But some part of you needs it," Willow said knowingly, understanding exactly what her friend was talking about. "I get it, Buffy. Really, I do!" She sighed, trying to think. "I can even get him, I think. I mean, Angel was hotter, if you ask me, but Spike, he's been helping us for a while now, and he really seems to care about you…"
"He can hurt me," Buffy said, voice rough. "He says it's not the chip, he can't hurt anyone else, just me. Will, what's happening to me? Who am I now? Why am I letting this happen to me? Why do I let him do those things to me?"
The frown was starting to feel permanent on her face and the redhead felt tears of sympathy prick her eyes. "Maybe you should have come to England with me," she joked weakly, not sure what to say about any of this. They were quite the pair, the Slayer and the witch, both with their own addictions.
"Maybe I would have if you'd actually told us you were going," Buffy said, letting the honesty just spill out of her. "You hate me now, don't you?" she asked morosely, not expecting that her best friend could feel anything but contempt for her when she couldn't muster much more for herself than loathing. Her life felt like hell, and Spike was the devil, dragging her deeper into the darkness. So why couldn't she stop herself from wanting him? Even as she sat and miserably confessed the truth to her best friend, she burned for his touch, for the dangerous feel of his lips on her skin.
"Of course I don't hate you," Willow said emphatically. "Buffy, I understand. I completely understand, okay? I might not get why Spike, of all people, not if he can hurt you, but hey, I prefer women," she said, trying to joke weakly. "Well, you know, the one woman… Buff, I do understand."
Buffy didn't speak, feeling tears roll down her cheeks as she leaned her head back against the mattress of her bed. She didn't know if they were tears of pain or tears of relief, but just the simple fact that she was still capable of tears at all was more than she'd expected.
Willow could hear the sniffles and she closed her eyes, wishing that she could see her friend. "Buffy, I'm so sorry I'm not there. I'm so sorry."
"It's not your fault," Buffy said, gasping around her tears. "Not everything is your fault. I'm perfectly capable of screwing up my life on my own."
"You're my best friend and I should be there for you!" Willow protested. "Not in another country…"
"You've got your own stuff you're going through, Willow," Buffy reminded her. "You had to go. We all get that."
"But now I know what you're going through. I can't just not think about it," Willow stated. "You're my best friend, Buffy. No matter what."
"Well, now we can help each other, right? Don't they say that misery loves company?" Buffy asked, wiping her face with her free hand.
"Buffy!" the redhead chided her weakly. "I guess you're right. Will you call me, if things are bad?"
The Slayer laughed, the sound ringing with bitterness. "Sure, we can talk every night. My phone bill can definitely handle that."
"If that's what you need, then do it," Willow agreed immediately. "We can get phone cards or something. And if you can't call me, then talk to Xander, or Dawn, or Tara."
"I can't admit this to any of them!" Buffy protested. "And I can't burden you with it either, Will. You've got your own problems to deal with. I can handle this," she said, trying to sound confident but only managing to reach resigned.
"Yeah, and I'm doing great over here too," Willow agreed sarcastically. "We need each other, Buffy. We've only made it this far together. If we can't stick together through all this we're going to fail."
Buffy swallowed hard, sitting up. "You're right." Her voice choked up and she curled her knees into her chest. "Thank you, Willow." She heard the door open downstairs, and she groaned. "Someone's home. Can I call you soon?"
"Of course," the witch agreed, feeling her stomach protesting her skipping dinner. "I've got to get something to eat. Take care of yourself, okay Buffy?"
The Slayer sighed, pushing herself to her feet. "You too."
"We'll talk soon," Willow assured her. "And I know you don't want to tell anybody else what's going on, but Tara won't judge. And she'll listen. She can help you. You'll need someone there to talk to."
"I'll think about it. I trust Tara, I just don't know if I can stand seeing her reaction," Buffy said. "The only way I could tell you was because I didn't have to see the look on your face."
"Buffy… I know it can't be easy, but Tara will surprise you," Willow said, feeling a surge of love for both her best friend and her lover. "She surprised me every single day we were together."
"You need to stop it with the past tense stuff," Buffy reminded her. "You guys will work it out. She still loves you. Not talking to you is killing her, but she knows you need to get your head on straight and she's willing to wait."
Willow sighed heavily, shaking her head. "I thought someone was home…"
"Fine, but not acknowledging it doesn't mean I'm not right," Buffy said, almost smug about it. Tara's love for Willow was a refreshingly stable part of her daily home life. The blonde witch fit into their lives at Revello Drive as easily as if she'd always been there and they were all grateful that she'd been convinced to stay. "But I do have to go," she said regretfully.
"We'll talk soon," Willow promised. "Bye, Buffy."
"Later." She clicked off the handset and dropped it on her bed as she concentrated on pasting on her coping expression. Once she felt more confident that one look at her face wouldn't give her away, she started downstairs, letting her feet hit the steps harder than was strictly necessary, so that the noise announced her presence.
Tara gave her a soft smile from the dining room, in the middle of setting the table for lunch. "I thought you'd be sleeping. You got home late," she observed, her tone masking whether she actually knew anything about where Buffy had been, but making it clear that she knew that she hadn't been where she'd claimed to be.
"Your girlfriend woke me up," Buffy told her, lifting her eyebrows even as she yawned. "I sent her a box of books and a picture of you two. She called to say thank you."
Tara sent her a look, shaking her head. "Buffy… You shouldn't have done that. She wants space and I'm trying to give it to her."
"At least you didn't insist that she's not your girlfriend," Buffy mused, grimacing as Tara flinched. "She doesn't mean it. She thinks she's helping you if she lets you go. I tried to tell her…"
"If it's less of a distraction for her, then g-good," Tara said unconvincingly. Her hands were fidgeting with the napkins. "How is she?" she asked hesitantly.
Buffy smiled slowly, eyes watching the witch. "She's lonely, but she said there's more good days than bad."
"She said she's lonely?" Tara asked, frowning.
"Not out loud, but I know her very well," Buffy said. "She misses you."
"I can't call her," Tara cut her off. "She asked for space to get better."
The Slayer shrugged, snagging a chip from the bowl Tara had put out in the middle of the table. "I say that hearing from you could only help her," she reasoned as she crunched on her chip. "What's with the set up anyway? No one else is home."
"Xander and Anya are coming over," Tara answered her. The Slayer just gave her a confused look and the witch sighed sympathetically. "It's Saturday," she reminded her friend gently. "We're taking Dawn out after lunch… to look for a dress… for the dance," she added when Buffy still looked lost.
"We, like me and you, we?" Buffy asked, brow furrowing.
Tara sighed, nodding. "She asked you to go a few days ago," she confirmed. "I'll talk to Anya about going…"
"No, I mean, I'll go! I just…forgot," Buffy said, shoulders slumping. "Sorry Tara. You won't…don't tell Dawn I forgot?" she requested.
"Of course not," Tara said immediately. "It's our secret."
Buffy flinched back from that word, Willow's statement about Tara's empathy springing to mind. "Willow says you're a good listener," she said slowly. Tara gave her a concerned look, but didn't speak, waiting on Buffy to elaborate in her own time. "I think I came back wrong." She didn't look up from the surface of the table as Tara took the seat next to her. "Spike, he can hurt me." Her head lifted slowly, eyes heavy and haunted. "Please Tara. I have to know what's wrong with me. Can you check? I would have asked Will, but…"
"No, it's…I understand," Tara said quickly. "He can hurt you?" Buffy nodded miserably. "How…how long?"
"Too long," Buffy said emphatically. "Can you please check the spell?"
"Of course." The witch nodded. "It will take me a little while, though. I'm not as familiar with the spell as Willow is…"
"That's fine. I just need to know," Buffy agreed, appearing relieved already. "There's something else…" She started to speak, but shut up quickly as the front door opened.
Tara didn't ask, giving the others a genuine smile. "Hey. Lunch will be on the table in two minutes."
"No hurry," Xander said easily, stealing a chip from the bowl and taking the seat across from Buffy. "What have you two lovely ladies been up to today?" he asked, apparently in a good mood. It had all been pretty up and down for all of them since Willow had left.
Wanting to keep it that way, Buffy spoke up. "I talked to Will."
"How is she?" he asked eagerly. He got updates every few days from Giles, and talked to Willow herself more than any of the others had since her departure, but he was still excited for any news.
"She sounds better," Buffy said, glancing up at Tara as the witch moved to gather the rest of their lunch from the kitchen. The Slayer related the basics of her conversation with the absent Scooby to the rest of them, though she did leave out the second half of their talk.
"Good," Anya said matter-of-factly as Buffy finished her account, the ex-demon nodding. The others just sent confused glances around the table, not expecting empathy from Anya. "The sooner she gets it out of her system and comes home, the sooner we can get married," she explained plainly. "And Tara won't have to be sad anymore."
The blonde witch could feel herself blushing as the rest of the eyes in the room turned to her. Her first instinct was to protest, but she knew that it would ring false to all of them. Without Willow she was sad. It was that simple. But they all were sorry about the witch's absence. And, of course, Anya was the one to lay it out for scrutiny. It was blunt, but they all knew that she meant it in her own awkward but caring way.
"So Dawn's going to the dance?" Buffy interjected quickly, changing the subject to spare Tara any more embarrassment. "Does she have a date?"
"I t-think she's just g-going with a group of f-friends," Tara said, not meeting anyone's eyes, but poking at a baby carrot on her plate with the tines of her fork and watching it roll.
Buffy nodded, sighing in relief. After the mess at Halloween she'd been trying to keep better track of her sister, but with the fugue state she'd been living in she couldn't be sure she hadn't missed anything. "And the dance itself is at the Bronze, right?"
"You're not going to crash it are you?" Xander asked, laughing as he pointed his own fork at her accusingly. "Because we're not the cool kids anymore, Buff."
"We were never the cool kids," she reminded him, smirking across the table to meet his grin. "Remember how we lived in the library and spent extracurricular time with the librarian?"
The reminder of their absent mentor dragged them all back to the present, feeling like a wave of cold water dampening their moods. There was a hole left behind in all of them, a gap saved only for Willow and Giles. They could all feel their friends' absences starting to drag them back down, the same cycle they'd been struggling against for months.
"We managed to make it work for us," Xander said hoarsely, not even his normally incorrigible joking abilities unaffected by Willow's absence. His arm curled around Anya's shoulders and she gave the others surveying looks.
"Xander is right! With the exception of Buffy, you all managed to get beautiful women to fall in love with you, in spite of the nerds you were in high school!" she offered cheerfully. "And since Buffy has given us no indication that she wants a woman to love her, I'd say that you're not doing too bad at all!" She finished her pronouncement with a decisive nod and none of them could help smiling weakly.
Buffy even laughed, shaking her head. "No, no girls for me," she said, glancing sideways at where Tara was blushing beside her. The witch returned the glance and Buffy felt her smile weaken. Only one person knew who was sleeping with, and Will would never tell on her, but she still felt dirty under her friends' eyes. "On second thought, that could be an improvement," she murmured, sending a twitter of laughter around the table.
"I think you should try it out!" Xander offered, his good mood starting to return as they joked around. "I'll make it my personal mission to find you a girlfriend!" he offered. "We could get Will in on it too! She could find you a nice English girl! And we'd continue my long-standing tradition of being the only guy in our age bracket."
Anya swatted his chest. "Other people's lesbian girlfriends are not for you!" she chided glaring.
"Yeah!" Buffy agreed, grinning unconsciously. "Tara's off limits!"
They realized how ridiculous they were being simultaneously, bursting into another wave of laughter. They were looking around the table at the others as they settled down, able to see how good it felt in the faces of their friends. It had been a long few months since Buffy's return and Willow's departure, but this felt almost normal and it was clear how much they'd all missed it.
Dawn entered, giving her smiling elders a hopeful expression as she joined them at the table. "What's this about? Everyone seems happy…"
"Buffy's considering becoming a lesbian," Anya answered promptly, grinning cheerfully.
"What?" Dawn questioned with a laugh, giving her sister a look even as the Slayer shook her head.
"That's a bit out of context," Buffy said quickly, still smiling as she took a sip of her water. "We were just kidding around, Dawnie."
The teen just looked relieved to see a happy expression on her friends' faces and she didn't push for an explanation. "You're still going to be able to come shopping, aren't you?" she asked, unable to hide the hopeful note in her voice.
Buffy's eyes flickered to Tara for a heartbeat, but she nodded. "Yeah, of course. I'm all yours," she said, part of her surprised to realize that her good mood was genuine. She really did want to spend time with her sister, with her friends. Her eyes met Xander's and she could see the same reflected in his face. Things had been so bad, for so long, each of them trying to cope on their own and failing. Willow's words about needing each other came back to her suddenly, and she felt tears prick and burn behind her eyes as he nodded silently to her from across the table.
"Good," Dawn said softly, drawing her sister's gaze. "We've missed you around here."
Buffy swallowed the tears back, knowing that she wasn't better, not yet, but maybe she'd made a step towards it. "Me too," she answered, voice hoarse under the repressed emotion.
She'd felt all alone in her own life, solitary even as she was surrounded by friends who loved her. But they'd always been there, never wavering in their friendship. She'd just cut herself off from feeling their love. It was easier to blame them for her problems than accept that they'd all made mistakes but still loved each other.
They avoided the shops Dawn had pilfered from, but still managed to find a dress that they could afford and have fun in the process. Anya had to return to the store after lunch, making money infinitely more appealing to her than spending it, but Xander had stuck with them and he was carrying the bags as they came through the front door. The girls were laughing as he told them about some prank that had been played on his jobsite, only to collide with his back as he stopped walking just inside the door.
"What are you doing here?" he asked, suddenly surly.
Buffy didn't have to look to know who he was talking to, and her spine tensed. "Let me handle this," she said, stepping around him slowly. The bleach-blond vampire was smirking as their eyes met and she sighed. "Why are you here, Spike?" she asked, feeling her good mood draining away suddenly. "And at four in the afternoon?" she added pointedly with a glance at the bright sunlight outside.
"Is there another time that would be better for you, Slayer?" Spike asked, teasing her right in front of the others.
"Tell me what you have to tell me and get out," she ordered, glaring at him sternly, eyes widening in a clear warning.
"Fine," he said, pouting now that she wasn't going to play along. "Those three nerdy types been harassing you, word is they're planning something big."
Buffy rolled her eyes. "That's it? You mean bigger than peeking at naked women at the spa? If that's all you've got you can go."
Spike growled, crossing his arms across his chest as Tara and Dawn moved inside on either side of Buffy and Xander. "They're coming for you now," he advised, angry suddenly. "They reckon you've screwed up too much for them lately. They're looking to send a demon your way. Is that big enough for you?" he demanded, eyes flickering sideways toward Dawn.
Buffy's annoyance wilted slightly. "Did you happen to find out what kind of demon?"
"Not exactly," he admitted.
"Great!" Xander chimed in. "News flash, Buffy! Some creep is coming after you! I hope you're not terribly surprised," he said, sarcasm obvious. "Thanks so much for that staggering insight, Spike!"
Spike took a brash step toward him, intercepted by Buffy before he got close. Xander matched the step, and Buffy was holding them apart, a hand on either man's chest. "Spike, leave," she said sternly.
"Daylight," he answered smugly, pointing toward the door.
"You're here. You had to have had cover," she pointed out. "Find your blanket and go."
He let his extended arm rest on her shoulder, Buffy immediately shrugging it off. He didn't back down, stepping closer to her even as her hands pushed him away. "There are other covers I could hide under," he prompted, voice a low rumble. "Not like I haven't before…"
Buffy felt her patience with the situation snap. It was one thing to tease her when they were alone, but this, in front of her family? Her hands were fists in the collar of his long leather coat before he knew that she'd moved and she spun and shoved him out the front door, Xander barely getting out of the way.
They could all hear him cursing outside, his reflexes saving him as he managed to jerk his jacket up to cover his head as he bolted for protective shade. Buffy realized she was breathing hard, tears already in her eyes as she stared into the floor. She squeezed her eyes closed and felt the tears break down her cheeks. They all knew now. There was no way they couldn't.
Then Dawn's arms were folding around her and she let herself crumble into her sister's hold. She was sobbing suddenly, the pair of them collapsing to the floor as she told them everything through great, gasping breaths. Tears were streaming down her face, the stopper on her emotions finally gone as everything poured out through her eyes and sobbed, barely understandable words. She couldn't lift her face from Dawn's shoulder, couldn't see the disappointment and disgust she was expecting on their faces.
Then Tara was touching her hair, the blonde on her knees next to them, and Xander rested his hand on her back, rubbing soothingly. "Buffy," Tara whispered. "This is what Willow told you to tell us, isn't it?" Buffy nodded miserably, still not lifting her head.
"Will knew about this?" Xander demanded, tone sharp and short. "For how long?"
"Xander!" Dawn chided him, glaring over Buffy's head buried in her chest. "It's okay, Buffy. He won't hurt you again."
"Because I'm going to kill him," Xander promised.
"No," Buffy whimpered, lifting her face to shake her head at him.
Xander stood up, exasperated. "You won't look us in the face when we find out you've been boning the evil undead, but you'll beg me not to kill him?" he demanded, temper at the forefront.
"I wanted to tell you!" Buffy gasped, looking up at him as she sat up out of Dawn's arms. "I wanted to stop!"
"There's a simple solution if that's what you want!" Xander snapped. "Give me a stake and I'll do it myself!"
"No!" Buffy yelped, unable to help herself.
Xander froze, accusation in his eyes, but Dawn was the one who spoke up, still glaring at the carpenter. "Do you love him?" she asked her sister hesitantly, none of them sure they wanted to know.
Buffy took a moment before she answered, meeting each of their gazes with teary blue eyes. "No - I don't know. It's not love… But I do…feel something for him." Her breathing was shuddery and she swallowed hard, both hands wiping her sticky face. "Please, Xander…"
He was obviously still furious and frustrated, but he hesitated, eyes lingering on Buffy. They could all see his expression soften in sympathy at the sight of his friend's misery. They'd all known that Buffy had been withdrawn and depressed, but none of them had imagined how far down she'd spiraled. Now it was all out in the open, and she had to face whatever came next - rejection or acceptance.
Her hopes of getting the second crumbled as Xander started pacing, shaking his head. "I can't do this now. I've got to…I need some air." He was gone before anyone could stop him, the click of the door seeming to echo in the silence left behind.
Buffy curled her legs up, tears falling faster again as she leaned her head against her knees. "Today was actually good, you know? Now it's all ruined," she said, hiccupping helplessly.
"He'll come around," Dawn said, pulling her sister back into her arms. "It's going to be okay, Buffy," she murmured soothingly, letting her sister cling to her. Her eyes met Tara's over Buffy's head, gratified to find no trace of judgment in her friend's expression, merely concern. "What should we do?" she wondered softly. "Willow?"
Tara blinked, eyes wide. "I c-can't - I said I wouldn't c-call."
"She'll want to know about this," Dawn pointed out. Tara didn't speak, and the teen sighed. "I'll call her, then." Her eyes rolled. "Even though I think that whole thing with you and her not talking is ridiculous," she added.
"Agreed," Buffy chimed in hoarsely, still sniffling back tears.
"I'll keep that in mind," Tara said to placate them, leaning down to look the Slayer in the face. "Are you okay?"
The blonde nodded, drawing in a deep breath to steady herself. "I think so." She patted Dawn's arm where it was curled across her shoulders and her sister let her sit up. "I'll just get some water, go out tonight and kill something, and I'll be fine," she said, trying to any little bit of her normal confidence.
If the look on Tara's face was any indication, she wasn't succeeding.
"I'll be alright," she said slowly. "Everyone knows now. So there's no reason to hide anymore." She swallowed, her voice hoarse. "And you guys can help me stay away from him…"
Dawn exchanged glances with Tara. "Is that likely to be a problem?" she asked hesitantly.
Buffy didn't answer for a long moment, shrugging finally. "He…I've tried to stop this. I just…he's got some kind of hold on me." She looked up to meet their eyes, her gaze lingering on Tara's face. "He says we're both creatures of darkness…"
Tara knew what she was saying, sighing. "You're not," she disagreed flatly. "He's wrong about this." Buffy's expression didn't change, and she sighed. "I'll check on the spell, though."
Buffy nodded gratefully. "And could you maybe do one more thing for me?" she asked. Tara gave her a reassuring smile and they all started standing up. "Could you redo the un-invitation spell on the house? I don't want him to be able to surprise us here anymore."
"It'll be done by dark," Tara promised, hands brushing down her long skirt.
The Slayer let out a breath of relief, feeling her tears drying cool and sticky on her face. Her friends knew the truth about her now, about who she was, what she'd been doing. And they were still her friends. Xander would need time to come around, but he wouldn't abandon her, not after everything they'd been through. Now she just had to keep herself from backsliding into the vampire's arms, an idea that she feared would prove more difficult than she could manage. Fortunately she didn't have to do it on her own anymore.
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